Some people can take getting pregnant or having a baby for granted. They may say that ‘it wasn’t planned’ or ‘it just happened’. But so many of us wish it was that easy!
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to have my own children - I have never cared for whether they were boys or girls, just healthy babies.
But, coming from a line of women who suffered or struggled to fall pregnant, the older I got the quicker I realised it may not always be that simple.
From fairly early on in our relationship, Phil & I would often talk about having children one day - he'd always say he wanted his own little army. And we’d very briefly brush over the idea of potentially not having our own children. But we didn’t really go into much detail.
Fast forward a few years - post wedding and coming towards my graduation - we finally had that ‘proper, sit down’ chat about it.
And that’s when we decided that we’d not worry, and we’d take each day as it came. It was time to ‘remove any precautions’ and see what happened. That was towards the end of June 2015 (as I finished university, but hadn’t yet officially graduated). I prayed about it that night, but just relaxed and tried not to think much more about it.
By early September 2015, we had discovered that I was pregnant! & we welcomed our beautiful baby girl in April 2016 (who is now an ever growing, still beautiful, 3.5 year old).
Fast forward again by 18 months (August 2017) and I had some totally devastating news. Not only had I begun my journey down the path of a diagnosis of CFS/ME, I was also diagnosed with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome). At the age of 23.5y, I was being told that these teeny tiny bitch cysts were starting to take over my once perfectly healthy ovaries - and that they were essentially a ticking time bomb on my fertile shelf life.
We weren’t ready for another baby yet, but what if we left it too late? Would we ever experience that intense joy again?
The older your 1st born gets, the more people bug you with the ‘so will there be another one then?’ And, under gritted teeth & clenched fists, I’d reply ‘God willing’. I didn’t realise just how much I’d have to believe in that when the time came.
After a short jaunt to try to get as healthy as possible, we arrive at January 2019 - when Phil & I decided to have ‘the chat’ again. This time, that chat looked very different. We had so many other things to consider - Emilia, my health conditions, preparations, what would happen if we got pregnant (previous complications), the options if we couldn’t get pregnant...
But again, we decided our date to ‘remove precautions’ and we began preparation (take your folic acid ladies!).
At the time of this chat, I had become very aware of several people who also suffered with PCOS that had unfortunately suffered miscarriages. And it was so incredibly hard for me to comprehend.
Little did I know that I would be there too - we experienced a suspected early miscarriage and I was ready to throw in the towel. I didn’t know how much my mind could take before there was no going back.
But from the day we had that chat, I prayed every night. I would say ‘God, if this is in your will, grant me the desire of my heart’.
You see, a lot of people get hung up on the ‘ask and it shall be given to you’ part. Forgetting that, first it needs to be written in your book of life for it to truly be what is destined for you. So, every night, I would pray that if it was what God wanted, it’d happen.
In January 2019, I was a nervous wreck. I was petrified that my body had already failed me and that I wouldn’t have the opportunity to have another baby.
However... I sit here now, filled with both anxiety & complete joy that overwhelms my heart... for the fact that the mid point of my pregnancy has finally passed - the Lord has truly granted me the desire of my heart.
I believe that every pregnancy, every birth, every baby is a gift from God, a miracle in every way.
But Emilia & her baby brother/sister are the most amazing miracles I could have ever prayed for and I will continue to praise God for them every single day of my life!
“I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.” - 1 Samuel 1:27
2020 - I am SO ready for you!